I went into labour but no baby
I think the best way to start this blog is to tell my story of how i lost my Angel.
I will start from the beginning.
I have always wanted a big family, lots of children running about.
We got married in 2007 and wanted to start a family, so after 8 months and my 8th pregnancy test, it was positive i jumped up and down so happy
I tell everyone
I loved being pregnant and when she kicked me i felt like there was a point to my life (also she kicked so hard, that i think i had a bruise under my right rib)
The foot that kicked me
I got all her stuff but i didn’t know i was having a baby girl, so i got white and cream colours. I painted her room.
Everything ready, is waiting for a baby.
I was lucky my pregnancy was easy, nothing wrong but a very moving and kicking baby.
Then on the 3rd Sept 2008 at 7pm i went into labour, my husband rings everyone.
So happy, can’t wait
Mum saying things like “not long now and you will have a crying baby”
Husband saying things like “give me some of that gas and air”
Everything was normal:
Ø Heart beat YES
Ø Moving YES
Ø In pain YES
Ø Time going slow YES
I started to push (heart beating)
Husband say in my ear things like “you can do it Hun” and “you doing well”
Mum just can`t wait saying “push, push”
Still nothing wrong and it didn’t take long from when i started pushing until she was here.
One big push - that change my life and me as a person
Out she comes:
Husband says “IT A GIRL”
Mum says “She’s big”
I say “There is something wrong, she is not moving, mum why she not moving”
Mum says “maybe she needs a little slap on her bottom”
They rush her over to the doctors, midwife and nurses
I can still see her but husband thinks i shouldn`t but i want too, I need too.
Then i go and say the thing i wish i never said to the midwife
“She be ok, right” she doesn’t reply
Its been 6 minutes and she still not breathed, i started thinking things like – it’s been too long. Then i saw the midwife (near Angel) shakes her head to tell the midwife near me NO but i didn’t think she wanted me to see that.
In walks the top Doctor to tell me there is nothing more they can do.
I don’t cry, i think i am dreaming- Mum and husband hug.
They bring her over, put her in my arms.
So Silent
i cry thinking any minute now i am going to wake up but i don’t
v Kiss her forehead
v Tell her i love her
v Taking photos
v Husband tells family, they don’t believe him
Midwife/nurse ask me her name, would have been Jessica but she is an Angel. (She didn’t breathe)
Midwife/nurse ask about autopsy, i say “yes but put her heart back”
Midwife/nurse ask about the funeral, i say “i want her to be cremated” then someone say to me “you are burning a baby” but i don’t look at it like that because she is a Angel.
I want to be able to take her anywhere
I got to spend time with her and close family got to see.
We had a blessing for her
The one thing that stays with me is what my sister said “i just saw a man and a woman walk out the hospital with their baby and that should have been you. So not fair”
Time to go home
I hate hospital never want to stay in them to long but now i don’t want to go home because i go home then it’s true and i will have to face people. What do i say?
They give me a box to put things in.
I came into this hospital to have a baby and i wanted to leave with one but i leave with a box.
I get home, walk through the door, everything still the same, nothing has changed but everything has change for me.
I stand there with milk coming out (because my body thinks my baby lived) Not knowing how i will go on....
Angel born asleep on 4th Sept 2008
So that’s what happened but it’s not the end of the story. In this blog i want to talk about my feelings and what people say to me. The one big reason i am doing this blog is to remind myself that she was here and i didn’t make her up xxxxxx
